It is hard to believe, more than a year has passed since I "retired." Notice the quotation marks? Life has been nothing like I thought it would be. The visions of retired life dancing in my head as I walked out of work that last morning included long, leisurely cups of coffee on the deck, hours of reading and crossword puzzles. I dreamed of my own words in print (and a paycheck to show for them), of days talking to and listening for God to speak: "Taste and see the Lord is good" (Psalm 38:4) would happen over lunch with an old friend; "Encourage one another and build one another up" (1 Thes. 5:11) would result in hours of writing out cards filled with hope and praying for those who would receive them. Wonderful plans, good plans! *record scratch* Most haven't happened.
Suffice to say, it's been busy. Children moving in and out and about the country, and the remodels and readjustments that go with all of that. Endless preparations for a life change Scott and I have felt lead to pursue. Mom's decreasing abilities and increasing confusion. We seem to clear one hurdle, hit our stride, and BAM! another hurdle. Outside of two brunch dates and several hastily scribbled cards, none of my plans have transpired. And the writing thing? Within six months of retirement, every attempt to carve out time and a place for me to write seriously had failed. God had shut it all down.
I'm going to be completely transparent here. Before I really tried to find out what God was doing, things got ugly. I blamed myself: I've got to stop being a pushover; I cave so I'm not the bad guy, but I'm not being good to me. I really need to make these people do for themselves. I blamed others: Let them make their own dinner! Better yet, why can't they make me dinner? I care for everyone else; who cares for me? I blamed God: You're supposed to take care of me! You told me to write --even told me to retire to do it, but now there's all this stuff going on. Is this some kind of joke?
Scripture says a lot about perseverance and enduring hardship. We're commanded to trust God; He will get us through trials so we can do what He has called us to do. But there's a difference between persistent and petulant; there's a difference between doing what God wants in His way, and following my own path. The minute I began assigning blame, the minute my frustration and selfishness prevented me from serving gladly in the ways He'd called me to serve before --as a daughter, a mother, a wife-- I knew I'd crossed that line. It was time to stop insisting and time to start confessing. Father, I'm confused as to what You want me to do. I'm the one who doesn't understand, and I believe I have stolen Your plans and made them my quest. It was time to stop pushing and time to start searching. God, what is it You are trying to do? It was time to stop demanding and time to start yielding. Where You lead me, Daddy, I will follow.
In the months ahead, I hope to tell you all He's been doing. "Retirement" has taken me on a journey of healing and discovery. If God allows, I will continue to write here and give Him His due as much as I am able. If not, one thing He has made abundantly clear: this is His story and I've got to write it His way.
Posts
