JOY: The Motivation in Marriage

Have you ever made this HUGE decision? You believe it was right, you feel it was right -- you might even know it was right, but at some point -- maybe even thirteen years or so into it -- the enormity of that decision hits you, and you think to yourself, "What have I done?!" That happened to me this morning. And the decision was my marriage. I say "my marriage" because I'm pretty sure Scott wasn't feeling that way. I'm pretty sure he was going about his day oblivious to the fact his wife was at home gasping for air under the weight of her decision. Okay, maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but the devotional series I've been doing on marriage had me really thinking about my role as his wife.

What do you think about when you open your Bible (or your Bible app -- biblegateway.com has a really good one, by the way) or begin your quiet time each day? If you're like me, you think about meeting your Father; you think about finding your spirit's Center or Fuel for the day ahead; you think about learning and growing into the servant God has called you to be; you think about faithfulness and obedience. All very good reasons; but as I pondered the question, I realized I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about what my relationship with Jesus means to those with whom I live, particularly my husband. Am I spending time with my Savior that I might be a blessing to my husband? Is that not one of a wife's responsibilities? Think about marriage; think about the relationship it represents: the Church bride and the Christ groom. The bride should be a blessing to her groom. Her character should be such that she brings him joy and makes his labors light. And the bride should make the groom look good, right? Not that we are seeking the approval of men over God's approval, but if the Church acts like raving lunatics when trouble or persecution comes, what will people think about our Groom? As Scott's wife, I have a responsibility to draw positive attention his way. And the bride should honor the groom. This is where the rubber meets the road for me. Acting in such a way as to continually bring honor to my husband can be tough. I tend to "tell it like it is" when I am around those with whom I am most comfortable, especially those who tend to be tough with me. Scott's a big dude with a big presence. He can give me such a hard time all day long, but that's who he is. The Spirit is refining that area of his life and I can see it; but just as he feels free to be himself when he's with me, I let my hair down in his company as well. I don't always choose my words as carefully with him as I might with a friend I am trying to counsel. I don't always give him the benefit of the doubt as I might with a stranger who lets the door slam in my face. I don't always see him as the work in progress we all are, but hold him to the standard to which only Christ has the authority to hold him. I don't always esteem him as better than myself and, while I serve him and obey him, I don't always consider it my pleasure to do so. I don't always strive to do better and be better for anyone other than God and myself. 

And that's when I began to feel the weight of this decision. In those times when Scott is not feeling well or has suffered some sort of disappointment, it's easy for me to cherish the responsibility of being his wife; I see his need and I will move heaven and earth to help him meet it. But, in the everyday and the mundane, I barely give that responsibility another thought. I don't stop to think how important it is I guard my heart -- to bring glory to God, to be a better helpmeet to my husband, to keep myself from falling to temptation. I'm not overly purposeful about being generous -- it pleases God, it brings honor to my husband as the head of our household, it brings blessing to my life. 

Marriage is a great privilege, but it is a tremendous responsibility as well; one not to be taken lightly. This person who lives with us day in and day out is not a stranger but should be treated with as much and more respect as the police officer who stops you for speeding. This person who challenges the things we want and sometimes invades our space is not as commonplace as our favorite pair of sweats but should be as welcome and appreciated in our lives. As with any other endeavor, our motivation should be JOY - Jesus, Others, and then, You.

Love and Pain

One of the books I began reading during "August hiatus" was Stronger, by Brian "Head" Welch, a founding member of the band Korn. I love the way Head keeps it real in each devotion. I imagine his testimony as being similar to the Gentiles in Acts as they began to know Jesus as their Savior. They had some sinful behavior they needed to forego, as we all do, but they did not seek to "become Jewish." They were followers of Christ, and that is all they sought to be. Head has tattoos he doesn't attempt to hide beneath a suit. He uses all he has, his love for his fans, his creativity, and artistic talent to speak to them about Jesus. 

The "Day Three" devotional in his book speaks of pain. Genesis 6:6 says, "The Lord was grieved that He had made man on the earth, and His heart was filled with pain." Welch writes:

"Have you ever had your heart broken so bad that you wished you weren't alive to feel the pain? The only relief for that sort of piercing heartbreak comes when you're sleeping. When you wake up in the morning, you wonder if the horrible experience was all a nightmare, but when reality sets in, the agonizing pain slowly pours into your heart as you awake. If we, as human beings, can feel that much pain after our hearts are shattered into a million pieces, then I wonder what it feels like for God to have His heart crushed as it says in Genesis 6:6... I John 4 tells us that God is love. God is where love comes from and He is what love is all about. I can't even imagine what it would feel like for pure love to be 'filled with pain.'"

We've all known pain. In a devotion for another day, Head opines, "the second half of life is where most people face the most pain." I have to agree with him on that one. In my experience, some of the terrible decisions I made in the first part of life have returned in the form of consequences. Pain is bad, but knowing you gave it breath by your own willful rebellion adds a whole different dimension. As our children have grown and we have added their children and their relationships to the mix, as we have come into fellowship with more people, as we have changed careers and the internet has opened up connections across the globe, we have experienced pain not only of our own but of those we love. We have prayed for and cried for people we have never met; their circumstances or the distance that has separated us has been a source of tremendous pain. We have grieved the loss of some of those relationships, and that nagging question, why? fills us with sadness.

God created mankind and there was pain. As Welch says, the epicenter, the fount, the source, Love itself "filled with pain." Anyone who has ever experienced the kind of pain Welch talks about, the piercing heartbreak that abates only when one is asleep, instinctively guards against that sort of thing ever happening again. They put up walls, refuse to love again, harden their hearts against feeling anything. Not God. His pain at mankind's sin is beyond our imagination, but so is His love. He didn't recoil, He restored. He didn't turn His back, He bared His back to the brutality of Roman soldiers. He didn't protect His life, He laid it down. And He loves the way one would expect only Love to do.