Anger and a Hardened Heart

My five-year old daughter was sitting on the floor. It was the night before Thanksgiving. Work was gearing up for the busiest time of the year. I was heading in for my last quiet shift before the crazy. My son was at Mom's, helping to prepare the meal she'd serve on her fine china the following day.

"I won't be there," I heard the voice say.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Christine is dressed for bed, playing with her dolls on the floor!"

"Yeah, you'll have to take her to your mom's."

"My mom is not my sitter, she hasn't been feeling well, she's cooking Thanksgiving dinner and she's got Steven there already! It's getting late, and I'm supposed to drag this child out and just dump her off on my mom's doorstep? You were supposed to be here thirty minutes ago. I'm going to be late for work!"

"I won't be there." And the voice was gone.

I was right. My anger was just. My intense desire to strangle someone was wrong.

People don't always do what we expect or what we'd like. Sometimes people are just downright spiteful and mean. Sometimes people betray our trust in ways they can never repair. Sometimes people take things from us they can never replace. Sometimes people hurt those we love.  But, we aren't responsible for them; we are responsible for us.

I mastered in The Art of Sarcasm. My tongue has eviscerated people over the years -- not to mention gotten me into trouble a time or two. I have made bad situations worse and I have annihilated relationships. Until, one day, a pastor said to me, "You know, sarcasm is just another form of anger." I can't say I ran to the Scriptures or repented right there -- no doubt I gave him some snarky answer -- but, praise God, it stuck with me. The idea of being an angry Christian kept gnawing at me. Eventually, I did a couple of studies on anger and, once again, no instantaneous transformation; but I am being changed by the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.

Ephesians 4:26, cautions us against sin that results from anger. In this world we have difficulties and, by extension, difficult people. People can really be hateful toward one another. But, as Christians, that is not who we are. That is not who we have to be.

But, if we don't come right back at them, we become doormats. We're supposed to let everyone just walk all over us?! Not what I said. My anger kept people away, that's for sure; but locks keep honest people out. Kind people, loving people respected the walls I'd set up. They'd try to minister to my soul -- and a part of me wanted them to, I needed them to -- but eventually, they'd stop calling, stop trying to scale those ever-thickening walls. The users and thieves just kept coming. And, in reality, I don't care how big and bad you are, there is always someone bigger and badder. There was always something or someone to test me.

So what are we supposed to do? Trust God. First of all, if you think God has no idea what's going on, you don't know God. Secondly, if you don't think God is able to deliver you from a situation, you don't know God. Explore the Scriptures and find out who God is. The Bible is not just a book of old stories or rules to strive toward obeying; the Bible reveals who God is that we might serve Him with our whole hearts, and that we might be assured of what He can and will do. We are not to worry because, God. We are not to fight because, God. We can pray for those who hurt us because, God. We do not sin when we are tempted because, God. To put it another way, IF Almighty God is my provider, IF Almighty God is my protector, IF Almighty God is my defender, IF Almighty God is my deliverer -- why am I still in turmoil because someone damaged my car? God will take care of me. Why am I terrified because someone threatens my life? God has my days numbered. Why do I care about someone who is trying to ruin my reputation? My successes and failures lie in God's hands. Why am I infuriated by someone who wants to constantly keep me on the ropes? God will get His glory from that situation if I yield to Him and He will deliver me from it in His time. AND I WILL BE BLESSED!!

I remember that Thanksgiving Eve as if it was yesterday. It broke my heart for my children. It hurt to find this person would not only make things so difficult for me, but would have so little regard for my children or my mother. And I was absolutely right to be angry, but what haunts me today is my sin. I didn't strangle him, but I certainly blasted into him, making a bad situation worse. I spoke of it in front of my children, putting them in a terrible position and hurting them more than anyone else had. I held it against this person for years, and regurgitated the details more than once. When, instead, I could have prayed for my children, for wisdom, for my busy Mom, for him. Praise God, I can today.

Learning Grace

Losing someone you love is never easy. Losing someone with whom you've had a difficult relationship may be even harder. So many unanswered questions remain that way, and the potential for reconciliation is buried as far below the soil as the departed. And, while this could be one of those "Life's too short to stay at odds" messages, it is not. Some people, try as we might, refuse to simply play nice. We can be gracious, we can forgive, we can even forget; but until something changes about the way this person thinks and behaves, we cannot have a relationship.

I've been in such a place. Mere days before it was too late, I tried again to be nice. I tried again to serve in love. No go. This person wanted to punish me for things I had done years before, things I had done in response to something they had done, things I'd done as a youth, things I'd done when I wasn't serving the Lord. And as I left that hospital one last time, tears of anguish and frustration ran hot down my cheeks. Slamming the door of my truck, I wept and gasped for air. What had I done that was not forgivable? Why wasn't I worth forgiveness? Why, in their very last moments on earth, would they not release me from the burden I bore?

"When you finally learn a person's behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle than it ever did with you, you learn grace."

I saw this quote recently, and I just love it! Such freedom in these words. Our pastor is constantly reminding us, "It's not about me." Offense comes when we think it is about us. The guy who cut us off, the friend who didn't invite us. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was an oversight, or maybe it was something they were going through.

In my thirties I was in an awful marriage made even more awful by addiction. The stress took its toll on me in every way possible -- my health, my job, my parenting, my friendships. The ways I let people down are myriad. The deceitful things I did in the name of survival are an anathema to me. All I had to do was get out, but I was bound by shame and fear. I was engaged daily in a battle between doing what I knew was right or doing what I thought was the only thing possible. By God's grace, just before my fortieth birthday, something "clicked." I couldn't be responsible for the things my spouse did, but it was high time I started being responsible for mine. I went to counseling, I searched the Scriptures. Slowly the shame and fear retreated, and my internal struggle was laid at the feet of an Almighty God who loves me and forgives me infinitely. Grace. As much as I wanted my marriage to work, his internal struggle was not to be abandoned. Grace. I worked hard to restore some of the relationships I'd sacrificed during my marriage. Some folks understood and remain my friends today; others chose not to have a relationship with me. Grace. And it was only a few years later, I stood by that hospital bed praying, even for those last moments, I could have a relationship with one who had so completely rejected me. Grace. I needed it; I needed to give it.

When we bear in mind the commandments -- to love the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love others as we love our-self -- grace becomes a big piece of that pursuit. Seeking to love the Lord, thereby loving others in such a way that their treatment of us has no bearing on our gentleness toward them. Seeking to love the Lord, thereby loving others in such a way that we can pray for them, for their healing and their peace. And, while the relationship may never be what we desire, while the reconciliation may never come, we demonstrate grace. We remember it is not about us. And we embrace grace for ourselves. The grace to say, "I may not have always gotten it right, but I tried, and I pray, by God's grace, I added nothing to this person's burden, but bore it instead."

Things to Remember

Every culture has its ceremonies and traditions. We even choose to keep symbols of those ceremonies with us for years. We preserve wedding gowns and flowers, keep birthday cards or funeral cards. Those things remind us of the commitments we make and the loves we may have lost. Each time we come across the necklace worn on that first date, or our high school yearbook (yikes!), or her favorite picture of you, or that one ornament Mom always saved for last on the tree, memories and emotions swirl about in a torrent of days past. But symbols and ceremonies are just that. They are not the essence of the commitment, or the relationship, or even the memories themselves. They are reminders, tangibles to help us remain a little closer to the intangible.

Religions throughout the world have remembrances and symbols of remembrance. The Christian faith does as well. But unlike religion, the Christian faith understands none of those ceremonies or relics have any power to save us from what really troubles each and everyone of us -- sin. And though faith in Jesus Christ has a life-altering result, it is not propagated by changing our lives at all. The observances and Ebeneezers, the crosses we wear, or the baptismal certificate we cherish are reminders of the grace and mercy we encounter daily and, as such, can be catalysts to change.

For instance, a tithe, when multiplied and blessed by God, feeds those who are unable to feed themselves -- for a meal, for a week, for months on end. A tithe can clothe others, keep the lights on at the church or at the home of someone in the community; a tithe can pay the salary of a worship leader who just lost his second job. A tithe can put fuel in the car of a guest speaker, traveling from out of town. Giving a tithe -- despite the paycheck which may have shown up a little on the lean side this week -- can be the proving ground upon which God further changes a heart. A tithe can be the means by which God allows me to serve others by serving Him.

The Bible itself is not some coffee table decoration that mystically brings blessing to our home. When opened and read, as it should be, it is the primary way in which God explicitly reveals Himself to everyone. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 declares:

"All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work."

We learn; we correct ourselves and others -- in love, underscoring the need of every human being for a holy God and His work of grace. We discover and form the habits that characterize a life transformed by the righteousness of Jesus Christ. Bible study equips us in the purposes for which we were called. It is instrumental in the Holy Spirit's sanctifying work, revealing His truth and providing direction so we may know and desire change as the Bible describes it. And the cover of my Bible has handy-dandy zippered pouches, perfect for storing gum to share with others, a few extra dollars for any special needs I am led to meet, an extra pen, a highlighter, Chapstick (gotta have Chapstick stashed everywhere!), and White Out for my mistakes -- just the ones on paper.

Church is essential. I don't care, I don't care. Whatever you've heard. Whatever you surmise. Whatever your past experience. Whatever your uncle's past experience. Whoever you know or think you know. You MUST...go...to...church. If you want to be fed, if you want to grow, if you want to be surrounded by love in your worst times as well as on your best days; if you have ever needed anyone for anything -- and you have -- remember the dress you couldn't get zippered, or the jar you couldn't open, or the teenie-tiny hair tie you couldn't fit around Barbie's hair with your big sheet metal worker fingers, or the accounts statement you just couldn't seem to decipher, or the recipe that flopped every time you made it? Well, you must go to church! I was an island FOR YEARS. I taught my children to be islands. I was very good at it, and still could be today, but I was called -- as all Christians are -- to be in fellowship with and minister to people. And I would never want to be an island EVER again. I have been so blessed -- by the broken as well as the whole, by the lost as well as the found, by those I've struggled along with as well as those I've struggled because of; by the prayers of those desperate for healing, by the surrender of those at the height of their careers, by the toil of those who I believe need to be served, by strangers willing to love others for their singularity of worship rather than dismiss others because of their excess of glaring differences. And it is my deepest of desires and my offering to bless others as well. The best place to get started is in a pew.

None of these things, in and of themselves, identifies me as being a Christian. And they don't make me super-spiritual or good. They are, after all, just things. But they are things that are precious to me because of what they represent: my life in Christ. They are things that help me bless others and receive blessing. They are things that help me learn and grow in my walk with Jesus. They are things I value, not because that's what good Christian girls do; but because people good at being alone, people not so good at giving to others, people who are easily derailed and discouraged need these things to help them walk communally, unselfishly, purposefully, and with hope.