Saturday, March 13, 2010

Silence

I hear the first muffled thunks of footsteps on the hardwood stairs -- Olivia is awake.  Above us, the sighs and snores of those still sleeping keep time; dogs whimper and grumble as they sleep, dreaming of rabbits or chicken fried steaks. Outside, the occasional HISS of a car through rainwater on the road and the gentle pit-pat of drops on the skylight join the cacophony, to herald another gray morning.  The hum and rattle of my hard drive (dinosaur that she is, she serves me well) are the staff on which the notes are preserved. 

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"Girls on Film" -- Are You Kidding Me?

I am on vacation this week -- hence the numerous postings, but I have made the imprudent mistake of submerging myself in reading -- the "news."  Here's what we've got:

Travis Barker gets a tattoo to commemorate the death of his friend DJ Am.  For a guy who's tattooed over 80% of his body -- this is news?

Hustler is seeking crime photos of a hiker murdered and decapitated; some organizations are calling for the release of the video in which a trainer at Sea World is killed by a killer whale -- need I say more?

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade for their Super Bowl spot in which one of their talking babies refers to "that milkaholic, Lindsey."  C'mon.  Is she serious?  Did I or anyone I know really make that leap?  Nope.  Sorry Lindsay, we're just not that into you!

Lastly, on cinematical.com writer Monika Bartyzel scolds Kathryn Bigelow for not mentioning in her Oscar acceptance speech that she happened to be the first female director to win.  Why, because she accepted humbly, thanking men and women who worked hard on the film, and those who inspired it by risking their lives?  Because she did not pull every ounce of attention in the room toward her, her efforts, her achievements -- isn't that what the Academy did by giving her the award?  Why do we want to hear self-indulgent harping on the same point?  Maybe it's because she did not use words like "first" or "groundbreaking;" maybe she recognizes that so many others fought long and hard to pave the way, and she doesn't exactly want to claim that of herself.  Or, maybe Ms. Bartyzel and so many other people need to stop distinguishing between black, white, male, female, young, old when it comes to referring careers and accomplishments that are in no way limited by the color of our skin, our reproductive organs, or our eligibilty for Social Security.  I'm not saying there are no disparities; I just want to know why we have to draw attention to them.  Do I feel inspired because Kathryn Bigelow opened that door for me?  Nope.  I know what I'm capable of regardless of whether my driver's license is marked "F" or "M."  I'm below average height and above average weight -- does that limit my ability to be a Vogue model?  You bet it does, and the day I change that you can gather 'round all the short, fat middle-aged hausfraus you can find for a glorious rendition of "We Shall Overcome."  It does not, however, limit my abilities to think, create or express how I feel; when it comes to awards for those aforementioned exploits, physical attributes are completely irrelevant and of no consequence.  Personally, I'd like to keep it that way.  We've all been told, "You will never because... (fill in the blank)" by some narrow-minded jerk who wants to rain on our parade; what limits us is our belief in some jerk's opinions.

Lastly, I'd like to point out that while I am not a feminist, I am feminine, and very proud to be so.  But, perhaps, a writer who wishes to make an issue of gender when it comes to creative and intellectual achievements, would not want to title her column "Girls on Film."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

With No Apologies to PETA or Wall Street

This morning in my Bible reading -- yes, Day 68 of 2010, and I read my Bible! -- I was reading the account in Luke 8 (I'm counting on you to not calculate just how far behind I am in my Chapter-A-Day routine) of Jesus exorcising demons from a man and sending them into a herd of swine.  The swine launch themselves over a cliff and into the sea, the "herdsmen" flee and the cleansed man is told he may not go with Jesus, but is instructed, instead, to proclaim to everyone his blessing.  Such a simple event, but so much I can walk away with, here.  The thing that stuck with me today is this: the man. 

It seems an obvious point; a man possessed for years, tormented by demons, his body wracked with pain and abused in every way by unspeakably evil inhabitants, is healed!  What joy!  What blessing!  What grace!  The Son of God sees fit to touch this unclean (in more ways than one -- this was Gentile-ville) man and relieve him of his agony.  Can you imagine having no control of your own body for years?  Can you imagine the feelings you'd have for the One who returned to you not only your life, but your body, your thoughts, your smile?!

Thing is, you would not believe the number of scholars -- secular and otherwise -- who would focus their attention on the swine!  I grant you, it is a valid point -- the swine were capital, someone's source of income or sustenance.  "Why would Jesus promote destroying another man's property?" they ask.  "Did He forget the eighth commandment: 'Thou shalt not steal?'"  My rebuttal is simple:

The value of human life over animals, capital, property, whatever.  Christ was a humanist, in the truest, purest, most loving sense of the word.  He was here for humans -- not swine, or fortunes, or even a simple man's simple source of income.  When Christ was tempted in the wilderness He made it quite clear what sustains us; when He cleared the temple and turned over the tables of the money changers, releasing their animals and splintering their cages, His only regard was for the glory of God and the souls of those present.  In Matthew 6:26, Jesus charges us to rely on God for our every need as the birds do, and He promises to provide.

I'm not challenging anyone to sell everything, don camel skins and eat locusts -- I believe God provides riches for some so they can do the Lord's work.  However, Matthew 6:21 tells us that where our treasure is, there our heart will be also.  If we place too much value on property or things of this world, or things that fade away (Matthew 6:19) our hearts will follow and we will miss the point.  I could make all sorts of suppositions about the owner of the swine -- maybe he needed to be taught a lesson, maybe he had obtained them illegally, maybe he was the salt of the earth and nevertheless, suffered a devastating financial loss, starving to death on Skid Row.  None of the accounts in the Gospels tell us, and we all know that God does things we do not understand.  But, maybe, the owner of the swine got the point; maybe he was struck by the thought that were the tables turned, he would pray a stranger would be willing to sacrifice his income that he might have his smile back.  

Monday, March 8, 2010

A Quarterly Review

Sometime around the age of twelve, I developed an "eating disorder," or at least, that's what any shrink worth their salt would say.  Of course, long ago when I was twelve, there were no eating disorders, just bad eating habits, laziness and people who got carried away with the "Melba Toast/ Cottage Cheese Diet."  Now there are psychological factors and post-traumatic stresses associated with eating or starving.  I'm not dismissing or excusing anything here, I'm just saying that in my case, while I experienced a personal trauma, I also realize I have an obsessive-compulsive personality and can be quite lazy.  It's an argument akin to the chicken and the egg, as far as I am concerned. 

Anyway, I have always been one of those fat chicks that are not necessarily fat, but not so disgustingly obese that everyone adopts them like a pet project or orphaned puppy.  I am just twenty pounds north of, what I consider to be, the right weight, and twenty pounds shy of "safe."  I've always thought, if I could just let myself go the other way -- eat, gain, eat -- I could be safe.  I would have to admit I was fat and deal; I made myself this way, I obviously don't care how I look, therefore I won't care how I look.  I won't care that people call me fat; I am!  It's baggy clothes and elastic waists for me!  Plus, (no pun intended) other women would accept me, consider me safe.  I wouldn't be "able" to steal their husbands; I would make them look skinny by comparison.  Isn't that how women think?  But, I can't do it.  I have never been able to bring myself to gain more than ten pounds or so before I break out in a cold sweat and take a Vow of Starvation until the extra weight has disappeared. 

And losing weight?  Ha!  There's a thirty-year struggle there.  My family says I have nothing to lose -- "really;" they say they like me the way I am.  Well, heck, I know that!  I didn't marry some shallow Boy Toy worried that I make him look bad; I didn't raise my kids to care too deeply for what's on the outside of a person.  I even like me the way I am, too.  I just think I would like eating at my desk without catching food on my belly.  I would like to be able to make a sex tape -- not that I would, my momma didn't raise a complete fool, but the potential would be there!  I want to wear a Size 8 strictly because I used to!  I want to buy a bathing suit that is completely age inappropriate; once again, not that I'd wear it but, potential and all that.

So this year when it came time for New Year's resolutions, I avoided the weight thing altogether.  I made resolutions regarding my health, finances, relationship with Jesus and my family.  Updates are as follows:

     1. I've gotten my eyes checked.  It's March.  Not a stellar start to my 2010 health plan, but better than the government.

     2. Our finances have improved dramatically.  We have paid off or down on a couple of accounts, and have tossed all our credit cards.  Once again, better than the government.

     3. I've been reading the New Testament and, for the most part, doing my devotions faithfully.  I have been bringing much more to the Throne than before, and like to think I am becoming weaker and more dependent daily.  Despite popular thought, not a bad thing!

      4. I wanted to get some things established with regard to providing for my family in the event of my illness or death.  So far, not so good on that one, but I have gotten quite a bit of my mother's business in order.

Meantime, I've lost ten pounds and gained back five, and although no one is going to compliment me on my hourglass figure anytime soon, I'll be able to deal with it.  Besides, when it comes to that "catching food with my belly" thing, there's always breast augmentation, right?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

To Whom It May Concern:

Sadly, a month has gone by since I have posted -- a death sentence for a blog hoping to maintain its popular status.  Thankfully, barely anyone reads my blog!  I even had a friend tell me, "If I read your blog, then I will have to read the blogs of my other friends, and I just don't have time for that!"  Hey, thanks for the support!  My brother refuses to read my blog because he is angry with me over family issues -- even took himself off my "Followers" list; I don't know whether my sister-in-law is currently part of that boycott as well.  I've given my blog address out to many people, most of which have never commented one way or the other; I am assuming they have not read it either.

All this to say, upon Blogger's forcing us to publish under "Custom Domains" I seriously considered quitting.  I whined, "But I don't understand all this computer crap; why do they have to change it?"  I even copied all of my past postings to a file I could reference, if needed, sometime in the future when I became a "real writer."  Can't you just smell the self-pity?  I used this year's unprecedented snowfall as the perfect excuse to snuggle up next to my husband and best friend, with my oldest friends, books.  Time after time I sat down at my desk, only to find myself reading chapter after chapter of the Bible or hopping from one news website to a dozen others.  Not a totally awful thing, but "a time for everything," and all that.

This morning, I took the plunge and purchased a "Custom Domain."  I still don't understand "all this computer crap," but I know I love to write, and blogging kept me doing just that.  Even as I spent the past month reading, I couldn't help the ideas that popped up like robins in spring -- there they suddenly were, and I had no idea where they'd come from or where they'd been hiding!  Somehow even my dreams seemed to "take it up a notch," assuming this creative, vibrant quality I'd never experienced before.  And words?  Sentences?  I can't resist when I hear, in my head, a beautiful composition of words, woven and dovetailed like they were part of each other -- notes in a symphony -- I reread them over and over.  I can't escape my love for the written word.  So here it is...my first blog under my new domain http://www.judimurphy.com/.  I even chose my own name to overcompensate for the pity party raging in my soul the last few weeks.  I hope you enjoy reading Broken To Breathless as much as I enjoy writing it...

...that is, if you're out there.