Friday, June 29, 2018

Please Do Not Block the Driveway

There is a strange magnetic force on our street. Few people can park in front of our home without overhanging our driveway. Minor infractions I've grown accustomed to, but complete strangers (or selfish, recidivist neighbors) parked half a car-length over the drive when I attempt to leave for work at 2am can cause a bit of an issue. Somehow, though, issues seem to be what God has called His people to do.

That being said, I don't always enjoy it. I know I have an anger problem; and one of the studies I've been doing to address that problem, has me thinking about the things that provoke me to anger. I've been keeping tabs on the time of day, circumstances, the people involved, all to see if there is some underlying issue. I don't simply want to keep from reacting wrongly when angry, I want to keep from being angry when anger is wrong. Surprise! Guess what I found. I have a problem dealing with other people's messes. (Not the most convenient trigger for someone called to help others.)

My job has a distinct element of urgency to it. The other day I was working with some new employees. They asked all the same questions new employees ask, they made some of the same mistakes new employees make; but I found myself getting exceptionally annoyed. I was under pressure to get things finished, and not only were they not doing what I needed them to do, they were creating more work for me. Now, I know that was not their intent, but the imposition and the additional labor put on me was real; I began to feel angry.

Mom has been living with us almost three years. Some days she will attempt to get dressed, rather than wait for my help. Good, right? Unh-uh. Clothes are everywhere, dirty folded up neatly among the clean; her ensemble is Summer with a hint of long johns, slippers with a dash of raincoat. I sort and fold, appraise, undress and restore just so we can get to Start. Undoing someone else's mess.

The fax that must be resent, the late charge wrongfully applied, the cashier's error, the delivery that arrived incomplete -- the do-overs that slow me down, force me off schedule, and drive me wild. And when those do-overs come without so much as an apology or a warning, I feel imposed upon and cheated. Why can't people just do what they're supposed to do? Why must they impose on me? Why must they block my driveway?

Things have changed; life has changed. People are under-trained, under-disciplined and under pressure. Many folks have been taught truth is relative, the world is a very dangerous place, nice guys finish last, and no one is as special as the individual. Our parents are living longer and in need of extra care. This is the world in which we live. And that's not to say we shouldn't seek to bring the Gospel, be the light and change the world, but get upset or angry? As Christians, we need to be about the business of our Father, just as Jesus was; and our Father's business is people. Our Father demonstrated His grace and mercy by sending His only Son that all people might be forgiven and lives made new. Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness. For all.

Even the ones that block the driveway.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Stolen Blessing

I was a shoplifter. Maybe I wanted to get caught; maybe I thought I needed attention. Maybe I couldn't bear my life without the constant "high" of drama. Maybe I was tired of working so hard just to pay a three hundred percent mark-up on items I needed everyday. Regardless the motivation, it all boiled down to me, thinking I was -- or I could ever be -- able to solve my own problems.  Whether it was loneliness, or fear, or boredom, taking matters into my own hands (literally) was my answer.

I look around today, and I see so many people trying to survive in their own strength. People trapped in a constant cycle of "do-it-yourself-ism" that is usually littered with lies, betrayal, and every dirty trick you can think of -- whatever it takes to keep their heads above water. It's exhausting just watching them. Whether it's an "Instagram life" or welfare fraud, duplicity is everywhere. Emergency rooms attract addicts faking pain to get medication; recovery clinics are plagued by people with stolen scripts. Job applications are peppered with "little white lies" and relationships built on broken promises leave single mothers and fatherless children in their wake. People think the blessing is the here, the now, the cake, the car, the cash, but "do-it-yourself-ism" is the biggest failure since Eden! And the consequences! Spending wasting almost every waking moment trying to keep from getting caught is a big one! But the one that comes to mind first, when I see someone struggling to fix or forge a life all on their own: stolen blessing.

Each time I told a lie or pinched a soda, I was taking something much more: I was robbing God of the opportunity to show me who He is. I was so afraid of what others thought, or not measuring up to what I thought I should be, I stole from Him the opportunity to care for me. I refused to give in and let Him do what He does best -- love us. Until... Thanks be to God, one day troubled waters rose so I could no longer keep myself from going under. It was then, I gave in, and I was finally able to discover what I'd been missing all along: my Heavenly Father loves me, and my Heavenly Father is sovereign. Those two pieces of information have completely transformed my life! I know that whatever happens to me, God is mightier than any other, sovereign over all; so nothing can happen to me that He does not allow in order to demonstrate His love for me, and work for my good and His glory.

I often replay some of the events of my "do-it-yourselfer" years. I wonder what God would have done for me had I allowed Him, had I not refused to accept His help. I am pretty sure it would not have been easy; I am pretty sure lessons would have been learned and faith-stretching would have been part of His program, but the blessings that come from God's plans are unmatched! I can tell you with all honesty, God's ideas have rarely resembled mine. And that's a good thing! His designs have brought unexpected blessing at the last moments; His designs have seen things I wanted come and go, making room for something so much better; His designs have taught me to love Him more deeply and trust Him more completely; His design has been to strengthen me and mature me in ways I never would have imagined (much less been able to accomplish by my own hand). By allowing Him His way in my life, I have seen the tragedy of not only robbing God of His glory, but the stupidity of robbing myself of all He can do for me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Broken to Breathless -- An Anniversary

Today marks nine years since I began Broken to Breathless. This blog has been a blessing to me; I pray it has blessed you as well. I began writing when I was a child as a way to help me process and cope. As I grew older, I discovered ways to help me mask or temporarily numb feelings instead. The end of a terrible relationship and overwhelming gratitude for a wonderful new one inspired me to once again begin writing. But this blog has become so much more to me.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about being "a beast for Christ." I want to make a difference for the Kingdom. I hope people find value in what I say, not because I say it, but because God reveals things to me. He clarifies things for me that I am left with pictures or life lessons illustrating some of Scriptures teachings. Those images make the Bible's teachings easier to understand or easier to bring to mind. I figure if I need things to be a little more portable or user friendly, someone else might as well.

I also believe God gave me a gift and, as with anything He gives, He wants me to use it to His glory. I believe He has told me to write, and I do so in obedience to Him. But, I have made some really stupid choices in my life; if someone else can avoid those pitfalls, I'd like to do everything in my power to ensure they do. My life has been altered along the way, but many of those alterations came at a high price. I have been blessed with illness and recovery. I have been betrayed and blessed by those I love. I have lived like the devil and followed my Savior. I have parented and failed at parenting, homeschooled and failed at that as well; I care for my aging mother with cognitive issues, and sadly, do not always do that with grace and love. I have worked for the same employer for almost thirty years, and know what it's like to be a small number sold out by a large corporation. I experienced abuse as a child and chose self-destructive coping mechanisms as a teen and adult.

The transforming work of the Holy Spirit has not only given me this desire to serve the Lord with all He has given me, but has given me the desire to learn and live in a much different way -- a way that is laid out for us in the Scriptures, a way that has already been set before us in Truth, and does not subject us to trial and error or experiential learning, leading to sometimes tragic consequences.

So, if you long for the wisdom of a life lived with trouble but redeemed by love, if you seek the encouragement of a child broken by sin but made whole by mercy, if you share the heartache of a stubborn, do-it-yourself-er released by grace, stay right here, and we'll see where the Holy spirit leads us!

Monday, June 25, 2018

Law: A Sweet Reminder of God's Love

When our children are small, we try to teach them to do the right thing. Sometimes parents use the threat of "the police put people who break the law in jail," or "God is watching you." We make it about the law and the obeying of the law. And for very small children, that is a simple way for them to understand obedience; but as children mature and are better able to understand love and relationship, we (hopefully) expand those concepts to show obedience and respect are ways we demonstrate love and build relationship.

Recently, I was forced to uphold a law. The Dessert Law. Yes, you know it: no dessert until your plate is clean. Well, it wasn't quite the same law, but close enough. We had dinner guests -- lots and lots of guests -- and some of our family had decided to help themselves to dessert before some of our guests had even had dinner. The purpose of dinner that day was celebration, a celebration of unity and service. Satan in his insidious wile had targeted that very thing. "No. Just no." Some argued with me. A few even insinuated I was stingy or petty or -- and this almost caused me to lose it -- legalistic and un-Christlike. I was so taken aback by the willingness of my own family to manipulate me or make suggestions about my character -- all over some pudding, mind you -- that I couldn't even form an explanation. How quick they were to hurt me, use me, or disparage me! All I could do was stand there and repeat the law.

I disdain legalism. It reminds me of who I used to be. It reminds me of years wasted, trying to obey the law, or giving up and giving myself over to sin because I couldn't obey the law. It reminds me of feeling worthless and seeing myself as a complete failure. Legalism is law without love; legalism is replacing your worship of God with worship of law. And while, in my role of "Dessert Defender" I wasn't doing that at all, my inability to defend myself, my failure to explain the purpose of the law might have made it appear that way. "All I could do was stand there and repeat the law."

I never liked that "law for the sake of law" stage of parenting. I loved when my children were old enough that we could have discussions about laws and rules; I loved that there were times I could explain how much I loved them and sought, by the use of law, to keep them safe. But as I was ruminating and praying about the recent situation with my family, I came to see, this time the law was there to keep me safe. My heart was right; my intentions were biblical. Rather than cave to demand for fear of what others thought, or come back with judgment of my own, there was law. "No. Just no." 

I will have that moment when I can take family members aside privately and explain my reasons -- not in defense of myself, but in defense of the law. The law was put there for fairness and unity; the law was in place so no one felt left out or disregarded. The law is for the purpose of love -- for those forced to obey it and enforce it.