Resembling the Master

When a neighbor requested Scott and I give Bishop a home, I had reservations. Tinkerbell had been our only pet for more than a year; Bishop was fearsome and intimidating. Nevertheless, Scott agreed. I made it clear it was nothing more than a trial run. That trial run has lasted ten years.

Turns out, Bishop and I hit it off instantly. So much so, Scott and I joke about Bishop and I sharing some of the same qualities. We wake up happy and ready to go; we're fairly laid back, and not too much phases us. As a matter of fact, as I was discussing my arthritis pain with my physical therapist, I told her I'd aggravated it while carrying a 60-pound dog down the steps. "He has osteoarthritis," I explained. "Uh, so do you," was her answer. I guess, reading the "Yeah, and?" look on my face, she continued, "Well, they say pets begin to resemble their owners."

Until recently I would have said there is one difference: Bishop is fear-aggressive. That means when he is forced into a situation where he fears someone or something, his behavior becomes unpredictable. He might relax and let folks pet him; he might lunge and snap. It's hard to tell. Not at all like me, right?

Well, as I've said, it is becoming increasingly evident that anger is a long-time acquaintance of mine -- but no friend. The Holy Spirit is showing me what it is doing to my health, my relationships, and my spiritual well-being. I see how it is woven throughout my life; my choices, my words, my perspectives are all controlled from time to time by my anger. So, I've begun studying anger and what God has to say about it. I figured I'd start with the basics: "10 Biblical Truths to Overcome Sinful Anger." One truth that caught me by surprise was, #8, anger is the fruit of fear.

When I was a child and felt unsafe, I would hide behind anger and a tough as nails exterior. It became my coping mechanism, my companion, my safe place, growing with me as I grew. When I was put into uncomfortable social situations, situations in which I was intimidated by those around me -- "the more talented people, the richer folks, the more successful women" -- anger accompanied me to the party and demonstrated how little I cared about their assets. I would brood in the corner or outside with the smokers; I'd drink heavily and spew caustic assessments of everyone. I was no longer the little girl in danger; I was an immature coward with self-esteem issues.

If I am honest with myself -- which I am, with the Holy Spirit's help, trying to be -- there are things I fear even now. I fear something happening to my mom, and yet, I fear my role as caregiver completely robbing me of who I am. I fear the same thing most adult children fear when living in the same home as a parent or parents: being seen as a child -- constantly assessed and rarely respected. And, the most significant fear? I fear my life slipping into reverse as my mother's neurological health deteriorates. I am a "busy" person -- and not always in a good way. I have toyed with many addictions in my life; I exchanged them all for work, busyness, forward motion. And anger has been the fuel for that forward motion. Keep your head down; plow through; get it done; tough it out. Life with Mom is one big rerun; there is no forward motion. Perhaps that is why my anger has been seeping out -- or bursting forth -- more than usual. It has no place to go.

And now it must be dealt with.

Who knows? If there really is something to this "pets resembling their masters" thing, Bishop might lighten up just a little. My hope is that I will begin to more closely resemble my Master!