Dementia Reminds Me

Mom knows how to get dressed. She simply has no idea when to get dressed, or what to wear, or even what goes on first. Mom knows how to eat. She has no idea, however, what she is eating, or when she should eat, or even, if she has eaten yet today. Mom is never entirely certain what she should be doing or why she should be doing it. Her brain will not allow her to reason those things out.

From the time I was small, I knew what "being a Christian" looked like. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make time to read my Bible. I couldn't understand it when I did. I couldn't stop the urges to do what I wanted. I couldn't make myself want to do what God wanted. My spirit would not allow me to crave "Christian" things the way it craved "non-Christian" things.

Mom, no matter how hard she tries, cannot make her brain work the way a healthy brain works. No matter how much she wants it to understand or think logically, it is not capable. I must be her brain for her. I must tell her when to get dressed, what to wear and in what order. I must regulate her food so she knows what to eat and when. My good brain takes the place of her broken brain to ensure she gets the rest she needs. My brain reasons and regulates all those things her brain is unable to control for itself. But she must allow me to do those things. With surrender and someone to help, Mom can live a life of wholeness and happiness.

No matter how hard I work at it, without the Holy Spirit, I am unable to live a Christian life. The Holy Spirit has placed a desire in my heart that I never had without Him. I want to read my Bible -- in fact, I feel out of sorts when I don't. I understand it through the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. I want to attend church and talk about Jesus; I want to do things by the power of the Spirit and for the purpose of God's Kingdom. My cravings for my old ways seem to creep up only when I insist on using my broken thinking or my broken will to do things. Providing I surrender to Jesus living through me, I can live a life of wholeness and joy.

I am no more capable of living a Christian life in my own strength, as Mom is capable of living a "normal", healthy life with a broken brain. I am not helpless -- neither is Mom; but neither of us is fully equipped. As I step in to be Mom's brain for her, so Jesus has stepped up to be life for me. Caring for her, filling in for the parts of her that have been damaged or lost is a daily reminder of what Jesus has done -- and continues to do -- for me.

Pray, please, that I might do my work as selflessly as He has done for me.