Tough Love

I can't say my circumstances are unique; I can, however, say they are challenging. This past weekend was particularly so.

Mom normally has trouble verbalizing, but I have found there is a part of her brain, usually linked to some sort of youthful hubris or childlike joy, that enables her to speak pretty clearly. This weekend she had some pretty intense feelings about us -- particularly Scott -- and those feelings weren't joy, and she had no problem sharing them. On one occasion, she confided to me about my husband, "I would kick him right in the face." Funny, right? No, not at the time. That one struck a nerve. Yes, because he's my husband. Yes, because what he was doing was of no consequence to her. But LARGELY because that was Helen. That was not the opinion of some afflicted 87-year old woman; that was my mother! Mom always sought to create division. Mom would whisper in my father's ear that the people at church were whispering about her. Mom would snipe at me that my friends were catty and manipulative. I saw this latest attack, not so much on my husband, as on my marriage -- she was looking to divide and conquer once again.

So, here was this damaged, debilitated woman. I am responsible for her care. And she had struck something so deep in me and attacked something so valuable to me. And we've got a whole lot of life left. She won't be going home at the end of the week. I won't be turning her care over to the next shift. Come Sunday evening when Scott goes to bed, it will, once again, be Mom and I and our routine.

Praise God. He is good! And He has taught me volumes about the way I process my emotions. They are just feelings. Feelings are deceptive. Feelings are not truth. I felt angry at my mom. I felt like I was that naive child or insecure teen again. I wanted her to stop her Machiavellian crap! And I was right to be angry. My marriage is sacred; my husband is a treasure. God made it so. But angry at someone who  always seemed so miserable in her relationships she felt the need to tamper with others? Angry at someone whose pettiness is, in no way, going to destroy what Scott and I have? Angry at someone who will, one day, answer for that? Oh, God, spare her! My anger was just, but misdirected.

I felt small and foolish. But that is not truth. I am more wise and confident than ever, because I am resting in what the Lord says. I see those schemes, and while she was the instrument, Satan is the schemer. I have confidence in my marriage, in truth, in love and grace, because of Christ. I have strength and support in the ongoing care of my mom. My steps are ordered and directed by the One who holds my future, not the one who would delight in denying me a future. I rest in Christ, and what He has prepared for me to do.

He has prepared me to love -- even when it is tough.