Top Te-- Er, Eight Things You Don't Miss in the Hospital

I'm making lemonade today. After my brief stint under the tenure of healthcare professionals, I wanted you to have something to fall back on should you ever require a hospital stay. So, without further ado, here they are:

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T MISS IN THE HOSPITAL

10. The trash truck at 6 AM. Of course, you're usually having your blood drawn at that hour, but at least it smells better.

 9. Cleaning the hairball out of the shower drain.

 8. Noisy neighbors.

 7. Nosey neighbors.

 6. Channel surfing! Unless of course, you enjoy that sort of thing.

 5. Weight gain. It's hospital food -- beside the complete lack of flavor, culinary appeal, and conventional texture, it's prepared by teens working part-time after school, stuck in an enclosed cart, placed on an elevator, and distributed one by one to your room which smells like triage in a Laundromat.

 4. Junk mail. In the Age of Technology we still need Valpak?

 3. The guy at work who heats his fillet of sole in the office microwave.

 2. Road rage.

And the Number One thing you will not miss in the hospital...

 1. Long lines!