Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Just One Question...

Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


"What could possibly be God's plan for allowing an innocent child to suffer?" he asked.

First of all, outside of Jesus, no one is innocent.  Unless referring to a specific crime, and bound by the criteria of America's legal system, strike that word from your daily vocabulary.  Having said that...

I was sexually molested by a family member some time around the age of eleven.  Someone I trusted implicitly; someone on whom I depended, and with whom I spent a good portion of my time.  Someone who had propelled me toward salvation, and represented to me what it meant to be a Christian.  Someone who perhaps, did not intend to "harm" me -- specifically -- but acted no less irresponsibly and selfishly.  In so doing, they left me with shame, confusion, self-loathing, and a host of other feelings I cannot begin to describe in such a limited setting.  Fear and a feeling of loyalty kept me bound to "our little secret" for many years.  Being unable to confide in anyone and watching this person go through life, publicly and painlessly, tore at me. 

At 15 or so, I began to show signs of resentment, anger and rebellion.  When pressed for an explanation, I cracked.  I confessed the entire thing to someone else I trusted, someone I thought surely would help.  "Oh, Judi, you're lying!"  Those words are as alive to me today as if they held breath.  My face still burns and I find my jaw tightening even now, at the helplessness and humiliation that came over me that day.  With those four words a second, more debilitating betrayal was accomplished.

I had already developed an eating disorder.  The years after that were spent in addictive behaviours and sin -- choices I made.  I struggled to control and fix everyone but myself. 


I happily, exclusively reserve the #1 place in my heart for my God and King.  I am in love with Him, and falling more deeply in love everyday.  I will proclaim His grace, and mercy, and redemption and, not just restoration, but abundance, to any who will listen, and even some that won't.

I am loved by the most wonderful man in the whole world.  He is my best friend, my confidant and champion; he desires to spend the rest of his life with me.  Who am I to refuse? ;-)

God has blessed me with the large family I have always desired.  Though some are not with us, I love them no less.  They are being kept from us by the hands of man; God is not bound by that.

Those human beings who acted harmfully toward me?  Those who failed me, just as I have failed others in my life?  Those who succumbed to their humanity and sinful natures, just as we all do?  Forgiven -- just as we have been forgiven.  Forgiven, not because they deserved it.  Forgiven, not because I am "the bigger person" (how I hate that expression anymore).  Forgiven because God has claimed His victory!

The flushed face, the tightened jaw?  Remnants of a pain so great, of a confusion so deep, of a disappointment so consuming, of a shame so incarcerating -- remnants I pray God never removes.

Because, when he asks again,

"What could possibly be God's plan for allowing an innocent child to suffer?"

I never want to forget I am blessed enough to KNOW the answer.