Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Listen Up, You Techies...

So, we're walking out of work the other day, my co-worker and I, and we're talking television.  I can't recall why, but I can tell you I probably didn't have much to contribute to the conversation.  If it's not "The Glades," I'm not really interested in watching.  In fact, I'm getting a little tired of Calli's it's-different-when-I-do-it attitude, but that's another post.  So, my co-worker mentions a show called "POV."

"What does POV stand for?" I ask.

"Point of view," he says.  "It's a techie term."


Today, in recognition of all those other folks who don't give a rat's caboose about what's on TV, technical jargon, or if there's an App for that, I decided to develop some terminology of my own:

1)  CU:  What you say to the nurse who calls you at home, tells you you've been diagnosed with   ?     and when you ask her what on earth that is, she says, "Don't you ever watch TV?"

2)  PO (Power Outage):  To your average technology addict, it's like shouting "Fire" in a crowded theater.  While my husband is breaking out in a cold sweat and pacing the floor, I can still do a crossword by candlelight.  (Your more advanced techies have battery back-ups and mystical spells they call up straight from the underworld, to continue their assault on the human intelligence despite a lack of electricity.  They are impervious; they are pure evil.  Don't mess with them).

3)  SPF (Smart Phone Free):  What I plan on remaining for as long as possible!  Do I really need to spend three times as much for my phone, and twenty percent more each month just so I can "stream" or "surf"?

4)  PHD (Physically High Def):  Most techies don't know this, but there is an entire physical world out there with real trees, real stories, and real people who use spray tans and Bump-Its.  You can see them for yourself.  Oh, yeah, and there are smells, too.

5)  CSI (Computer Systems Ignorant):  Those of us who understand the basics.  As the tech guy at work told me, "You're a user."  He made me feel so ashamed.  That is, until I realized, he must be the pusher.  He comes around with the latest programs, installs them, a few at a time -- just enough to get us hooked.  And then... when we have an IT problem... we have an estimated wait time of 30 minutes.  We'd sell our mothers to move to the front of the line.  We buy him lunch; we bake him cookies.  Anything.  I never thought I'd wind up like this.

6)  App:  Short for appliances.  Despite my husband's lightening-quick ability with the television remote and his ability to store a week's worth of TV programming in his head, he is tragically inept with appliances -- particularly the washing machine, the oven and yes, even the refrigerator.  (He has this inability to see casseroles and salads that usually wind up residing in the back of the refrigerator.  This causes him to scowl, sigh, and then whine, "There's nothing to eat.")   

7)  SOL:  What you're all gonna be if we "techless" ever decide to put down our books, allow the laundry to build up, stop picking up the kids and pick up the remote instead.  OK, so SOL isn't exactly my own, but it still applies!

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