Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mirror, Mirror...

So my daughter, Christine thinks I should write a post about some of the people I know.  I agree.  We all know people who inspire us, infuriate us, and make us laugh at them, or at ourselves.  I cannot, however, in good conscience poke fun at others without, first, poking fun at myself.

1)  Sometimes I think I wear too much... 
     a) Jewelry.  In an effort to combat the idea that I wore too much jewelry, about a year or two ago, I sold many of my silver rings and bracelets.  One day I awoke with the image of a local woman who most people consider to be a little "touched."  She wears mountains of silver and turquoise and wears cowboy hats.  I didn't wear hats, so I sold my jewelry instead.  I also allowed my second and third holes in my ears to close, thereby reducing the holes in my head by two.
     b) Eye Liner.  When I watch "What Not to Wear," Stacey (does she spell it with an "i" or an "ey?"  Trendy people spell Staci with an "i," I think) and Clinton seem very disappointed by ladies who tend to wear too much eye liner.  They say that although these ladies are striving for a youthful look, too much eye liner in fact, ages their appearance.  I'm not sure what to do here.  Eye liner and I have maintained an exclusive relationship for many years, and I can't imagine parting with it any time soon.

2)  I'm fat.  I like to eat.  I have never been a Size 6, except in fifth grade when I probably should have been a child's size 14.  I am more of a rectangle than your average flat screen TV, and due to years of fad dieting, eating disorders and severe mistreatment of my body, my metabolism is slower than Justice.  Before you say it, I know I can exercise to increase metabolism -- I don't want to.  Thirty minutes of running would mean sweating in 88 degree weather with 70% humidity -- it's NOT going to happen.  I walk the dogs and do a flight of stairs multiple times every couple of hours; Bishop, who follows me with each step weighs 45 pounds and looks like Skeletor.

3)  I can be a little neurotic.  I don't like my food to touch.  I replace all of the dials in my truck to the OFF position before I exit the vehicle.  I *mentally* correct people's grammar as they speak.  I once returned a set of dishes multiple times because I continued to find them cheaper at different stores.  When Steven was small, I kept a tally of the animals in his Noah's Ark playset to ensure that at the end of the day, they were all present and accounted for.

4)  I am a coffee addict.  I could swim in coffee; I could dab a little coffee behind my ears before  a hot date.  I love coffee.  I have a coffee maker that grinds beans; I have mugs that could house the Library of Congress.  I buy cream by the cow.  Through my veins courses Italian Roast; I launder my clothes in Guatemala Blend.  All right, maybe not really, but I could live in a Barnes and Nobles. Coffee and books go together like Antony and Cleopatra.

5)  I'm a dork.  I love to learn; I read at least a book a week and actually chose Chemical Engineering as my major in college.  I wore homemade clothes even in high school, and was not allowed to watch M*A*S*H because my father heard cursing in one episode.  I liked Sarah Jessica Parker much better in "Square Pegs," and, yes, it's true -- I really can't see a thing without my glasses.  I was a member of the Student Council and the National Honor Society.  I was a Library Aide and I love Math.  I know who Skeletor is.

I know if I solicited the help of others, particularly my family, this list would be much longer than it is.  In the interest of your time and my self-esteem, however, I will conclude I have been self-deprecating enough to allow me the latitude to mock others in the future.  And remember, they're not laughing at you, they're -- well, yeah, they really are.  (I shouldn't have started that sentence with "And," should I?)

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