Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ramblings of an Office Minion

Do you find it fascinating that people who work in an office tend to be a little odd?  Like singing along with the "Elvis Three at Three," or "bowling" with rolling office chairs and "Wet Floor" signs?  Cult films and prime time programming aside, it is difficult to capture the magnitude of an office group's dysfunction.  For instance, office groups embrace all types:

     1)  The Intellect:  This erudite individual goes to the library simply to read the newspaper that arrives at his front door each morning.  He listens only to news radio and would never think of engaging in "water cooler" chit-chat.  He feels a calling to educate those around him despite their lifelong contentment with ignorance.

     2)  The Sleeper:  Not long ago in an office not so far away, an employee dropped dead at his desk and remained there, unnoticed, through the weekend.  Not so far fetched -- The Sleeper is often mistaken for a corpse by those new to the office.

     3)  The Cultured Pearl:  Clippings from the City Paper, mailers from Summer Stage and Fringe Festival...  The Cultured Pearl would like to organize a group trip to the opera, but can't bear the thought of spending an entire evening repeatedly telling the rest of the office mammals to use their indoor voices.  Instead, she carefully selects a handful of deserving individuals (read "victims") with which to establish dialogue regarding cultural events.  "The Pearl" is sometimes mistaken for The Intellect, as they are both boorish, but only The Pearl will titter when the museum docent tries to pronounce the names of French artists properly; The Intellect will throttle the docent with his newspaper and head for the nearest archives.

     4)  The Googler:  The office employee who cannot resist Googling the name of the storekeeper on Petticoat Junction, and makes obscure references to movies based on his latest Google > IMDB > YouTube voyage of discovery.

     5)  The Roz:  The Office Manager/ Admin without whom the management would be thrown into a complete tailspin.  She's gruff, she's crabby, she smells of cigarettes and coffee, but Man! does she know her stuff!  Chances are, she knows how to install that toner cartridge -- without wearing half of the powder.  She also knows your social security number, so easy on the "big hair" jokes.

     6)  The Party Boy/ Girl:  The one who still wears sports logos and fraternity brands on casual day.  He (or she) is loud, irreverent, and they love to mess with The Intellect and The Cultured Pearl.  Though everyone else is annoyed by this person as well, they give him/ her a pass just because they provide this service.  If you're not quite sure, turn around, this is the office employee that is sitting on the copier even as we speak.

     7)  The Multi-Tasker:  Shops, reads, blogs, eats, and balances her checkbook -- all the while at the employ of a paycheck issuing, benefit paying, real live job!  Hold all her calls, is having a sale!  If she doesn't finish this Tweet soon, she'll have to work overtime just to complete payroll for the week!

     8)  The Peddler:  He's got ten kids and three jobs.  If he's not selling cookies for his daughters' troop, he's soliciting side work for his carpet laying business.  He likes to pretend he's an entrepreneur, but the armpits of his dress shirt are stained, and he is one new set of orthodontia away from foreclosure.  He's the one who always has change for a five -- you'll just have to buy a candy bar to get it.

Well, better go -- it's almost 3, and I need four more Wet Floor sign to make this spare!

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