Friday, April 2, 2010

A Little More About Broken to Breathless

The title of my blog came to me -- well, I don't know when, but I definitely know how. It was Divinely inspired. Now, I don't mean some bright light, angelic chorus-type inspired, but I do mean God gave it to me.  Maybe, as I sat considering the idea of "blogging" it came to me; then again, maybe it always was. The point is, I have always, for as long as I can remember, felt broken. And somedays, when I forget the great price with which I have been redeemed, I still do.

When I was very young someone I loved deeply and trusted completely broke me, hurt me beyond what I could repair.  Oh, I tried for years -- rebellion, denial, "walls," but no matter what I did, it never fixed anything.  I was well into my 20s when I realized the person who damaged and betrayed me had moved on, was living their life with no thought for the past.  Now, maybe this person had made their peace, maybe not, but either way it was me I needed to answer for.  I sought out a "normal" life -- not such a bad idea, right?  Wrong.  Despite years of Christian influences I attempted it on my own; I should have known God was lovingly drawing me back to Him.  This was no open rebellion; I didn't hate God, I was just self-sufficient.  Silly, silly Girl.  What is it the Bible says?  "Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered." (Prov. 28:26)

I had it all, though -- a steady job, a husband, two children, a life that, from the other side of the street seemed normal; things were all fixed!  Truth was, my marriage was a disaster, my children were my everything, and I was still broken.  The end to my marriage came suddenly, painfully and publicly.  I almost lost my house; I was struggling emotionally and financially.  My husband's bitterness was putting me through one legal hoop after another.  My daughter was withdrawing; my son was testing the limits of "teen independence."  My father-in-law was ill.  I was broken, but this time for good!

I finally surrendered, I mean really gave up.  Stopped struggling to fix things and people, stopped figuring which of my plans would be best for God to follow.  I finally looked to the skies and said, "Lord, it's yours.  What ever it is, use it."  Just three years later, my son got into trouble with the law -- big trouble, lots of trouble, chronic trouble -- with no desire whatsoever to repent.  I cried; I felt responsible, I blamed.  I still struggle each day to trust God in this, but I'm not broken!  The past few years have been no less trying than the ones before -- rebellious children, hurtful words, severed relationships, sickness and death.  As long as I surrender all I have to God, for His use, for His glory, the future holds no brokenness for me (Romans 8:28).  In fact, it may just leave me breathless.
Post a Comment