Monday, March 8, 2010

A Quarterly Review

Sometime around the age of twelve, I developed an "eating disorder," or at least, that's what any shrink worth their salt would say.  Of course, long ago when I was twelve, there were no eating disorders, just bad eating habits, laziness and people who got carried away with the "Melba Toast/ Cottage Cheese Diet."  Now there are psychological factors and post-traumatic stresses associated with eating or starving.  I'm not dismissing or excusing anything here, I'm just saying that in my case, while I experienced a personal trauma, I also realize I have an obsessive-compulsive personality and can be quite lazy.  It's an argument akin to the chicken and the egg, as far as I am concerned. 

Anyway, I have always been one of those fat chicks that are not necessarily fat, but not so disgustingly obese that everyone adopts them like a pet project or orphaned puppy.  I am just twenty pounds north of, what I consider to be, the right weight, and twenty pounds shy of "safe."  I've always thought, if I could just let myself go the other way -- eat, gain, eat -- I could be safe.  I would have to admit I was fat and deal; I made myself this way, I obviously don't care how I look, therefore I won't care how I look.  I won't care that people call me fat; I am!  It's baggy clothes and elastic waists for me!  Plus, (no pun intended) other women would accept me, consider me safe.  I wouldn't be "able" to steal their husbands; I would make them look skinny by comparison.  Isn't that how women think?  But, I can't do it.  I have never been able to bring myself to gain more than ten pounds or so before I break out in a cold sweat and take a Vow of Starvation until the extra weight has disappeared. 

And losing weight?  Ha!  There's a thirty-year struggle there.  My family says I have nothing to lose -- "really;" they say they like me the way I am.  Well, heck, I know that!  I didn't marry some shallow Boy Toy worried that I make him look bad; I didn't raise my kids to care too deeply for what's on the outside of a person.  I even like me the way I am, too.  I just think I would like eating at my desk without catching food on my belly.  I would like to be able to make a sex tape -- not that I would, my momma didn't raise a complete fool, but the potential would be there!  I want to wear a Size 8 strictly because I used to!  I want to buy a bathing suit that is completely age inappropriate; once again, not that I'd wear it but, potential and all that.

So this year when it came time for New Year's resolutions, I avoided the weight thing altogether.  I made resolutions regarding my health, finances, relationship with Jesus and my family.  Updates are as follows:

     1. I've gotten my eyes checked.  It's March.  Not a stellar start to my 2010 health plan, but better than the government.

     2. Our finances have improved dramatically.  We have paid off or down on a couple of accounts, and have tossed all our credit cards.  Once again, better than the government.

     3. I've been reading the New Testament and, for the most part, doing my devotions faithfully.  I have been bringing much more to the Throne than before, and like to think I am becoming weaker and more dependent daily.  Despite popular thought, not a bad thing!

      4. I wanted to get some things established with regard to providing for my family in the event of my illness or death.  So far, not so good on that one, but I have gotten quite a bit of my mother's business in order.

Meantime, I've lost ten pounds and gained back five, and although no one is going to compliment me on my hourglass figure anytime soon, I'll be able to deal with it.  Besides, when it comes to that "catching food with my belly" thing, there's always breast augmentation, right?
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