Saturday, October 10, 2009

WOW! What a Ride!

From the time I got my brother's call, the past 48 hours or so have been amazing.  My father's passing has taken me on an incredible ride through bitterness, forgiveness, confusion and brokenness; once again, I am left with no recourse but to be speechless, breathless even, at God's goodness and grace.

I am the type of person that, when overloaded shuts down -- I mean completely.  If I have too much on my agenda, if I throw myself too deeply into a project or relationship, if I am hit with one too many ideas, or issues, or emotions -- ZZZT!  With barely a sizzle or hiss I'm "out" like a lit match in a puddle; I flip on the Boob Tube and go so deeply underground it takes an army of moles to sniff me out. (Or one very persistent husband who means more to me than re-runs of "Gilmore Girls.")  Yesterday afternoon I felt myself starting to slip away; I knew now was definitely not a good time, and that only added to my stress level.  I met Scott in "our office," pulled up a washing machine and unburdened.  I gave him everything -- the pressure, the craziness, the plan -- and as usual, he was gracious enough to listen, offer a few practical suggestions, and kick me back into play.  (God, in His wisdom has created a partnership of two very high-strung friends; now that could spell disaster, but mercifully, He has made those two friends polar opposites in many other ways.  We understand what the other is going through and feel one another's frustration, just not over the same issues; handy for empathy, great for practicality!)  I prayed for God's direction and power on my walk back to my mother's. 

Now, I know family events are a haven for drama, but I still wonder if any family has as much as mine.  Anyhow, one of the key issues in my father's death was my being "forced" to meet my half-brother, Tom, and "forced" to deal with another one of my father's "other lives."  My brother, Paul had contacted Tom years ago, extolled his virtues and I believe, even passed on an e-mail address to me -- I labelled it "Round File."  I couldn't deal with my father's acceptance of Tom and abandonment of me; I couldn't deal with some overly educated, saintly "Wunderkind" slapping me in the face with his Father-Son talks and his "God is Good" serenity.  God's timing is perfect, I know.  I was not in a place to meet "my father's son;"  I'm not sure I am, now, but upon meeting him yesterday I have hope.  I had allowed my anger to misrepresent him completely; Tom seems like a wonderful man of God and friend.  Our visit was, to me anyway, a tremendous blessing.

Shortly after 3, my nephew and I left my mother's.  He played with Madison and Olivia while Scott and I chatted.  Later, we piled in the car for a much-needed "casual dining experience," dropped Matthew off, took care of PJ's procedure and dropped into bed.  It felt as if God had once again, made the sun stand still; He had given me a much longer day to fight and win.  Stress was subdued, craziness curtailed, and bitterness beaten down.  I had the "family time" I needed, both with my immediate and extended families, handled some urgent matters, repeatedly sought renewal at the Throne of Grace, and moved, by God's grace a little closer to victory over a difficult past.  I can't wait to see what He has instore for me today!           

   

Friday, October 9, 2009

A Window of Grace

This past Sunday our church had a "guest" speaker, CJ Mahaney -- not really a guest at all, he is as much a part of our church as anyone else that sat before him.  His role in our church made him a "shoo-in" to help us celebrate our 25th anniversary.

One of the issues he addressed as he spoke, was boasting.  As with any milestone we celebrate on this earth, the temptation is to attribute our reaching it as the culmination of our efforts or the fruits of our labors.  CJ cautioned us to keep our eyes on the Author and Finisher of our faith, the One in whom we all should boast.  He drew back the curtain for us, on a window through which we need to view the events of our celebration -- a window that God constructed for us so long ago, one of grace and mercy, providence and blessing.  Even as he spoke, the application of his message was inescapable -- here was this incredible man of God speaking before us, an author, missionary, leader, "family man" to his Christian family as well as his wife and children, an amazing presence -- and it is all "in spite of" what we are as human beings; it is all by grace.

My father went to heaven yesterday.  I envy him.  He was known to his Christian family as a leader, a man of faith, a charitable and loving man with a heart for God and a concern for the lost.  He was known to his immediate family as a flawed human being, a man who was "just a man."  Over the years when others would approach me, gushing over what a wonderful man he was I would bite my tongue to bleeding, force a smile, and run like paint.  I would seethe when I saw him suited up, Bible in hand, readying himself for another "show."  I knew what he did, what he said when the eyes of the church were no longer on him.

God did, too.  Good thing for my father, his Father viewed everything he did, everything he was through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ.  Good thing for all of us.  When my father approached the Throne of Grace, he answered for his life, but Christ answered with His.  It is Christ's blood that gained access for each and every one of us; it is His Death on the Cross, not our deeds and, thankfully, not our misdeeds (heaven would be a very lonely place).  When CJ reminded us on Sunday to look through a window of God's grace and goodness when viewing significant events in life, God knew that very soon I'd be calling on Him to help me look through that very same window at some painful events.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  (Ephesians 2:8,9)