Saturday, October 10, 2009

WOW! What a Ride!

From the time I got my brother's call, the past 48 hours or so have been amazing.  My father's passing has taken me on an incredible ride through bitterness, forgiveness, confusion and brokenness; once again, I am left with no recourse but to be speechless, breathless even, at God's goodness and grace.

I am the type of person that, when overloaded shuts down -- I mean completely.  If I have too much on my agenda, if I throw myself too deeply into a project or relationship, if I am hit with one too many ideas, or issues, or emotions -- ZZZT!  With barely a sizzle or hiss I'm "out" like a lit match in a puddle; I flip on the Boob Tube and go so deeply underground it takes an army of moles to sniff me out. (Or one very persistent husband who means more to me than re-runs of "Gilmore Girls.")  Yesterday afternoon I felt myself starting to slip away; I knew now was definitely not a good time, and that only added to my stress level.  I met Scott in "our office," pulled up a washing machine and unburdened.  I gave him everything -- the pressure, the craziness, the plan -- and as usual, he was gracious enough to listen, offer a few practical suggestions, and kick me back into play.  (God, in His wisdom has created a partnership of two very high-strung friends; now that could spell disaster, but mercifully, He has made those two friends polar opposites in many other ways.  We understand what the other is going through and feel one another's frustration, just not over the same issues; handy for empathy, great for practicality!)  I prayed for God's direction and power on my walk back to my mother's. 

Now, I know family events are a haven for drama, but I still wonder if any family has as much as mine.  Anyhow, one of the key issues in my father's death was my being "forced" to meet my half-brother, Tom, and "forced" to deal with another one of my father's "other lives."  My brother, Paul had contacted Tom years ago, extolled his virtues and I believe, even passed on an e-mail address to me -- I labelled it "Round File."  I couldn't deal with my father's acceptance of Tom and abandonment of me; I couldn't deal with some overly educated, saintly "Wunderkind" slapping me in the face with his Father-Son talks and his "God is Good" serenity.  God's timing is perfect, I know.  I was not in a place to meet "my father's son;"  I'm not sure I am, now, but upon meeting him yesterday I have hope.  I had allowed my anger to misrepresent him completely; Tom seems like a wonderful man of God and friend.  Our visit was, to me anyway, a tremendous blessing.

Shortly after 3, my nephew and I left my mother's.  He played with Madison and Olivia while Scott and I chatted.  Later, we piled in the car for a much-needed "casual dining experience," dropped Matthew off, took care of PJ's procedure and dropped into bed.  It felt as if God had once again, made the sun stand still; He had given me a much longer day to fight and win.  Stress was subdued, craziness curtailed, and bitterness beaten down.  I had the "family time" I needed, both with my immediate and extended families, handled some urgent matters, repeatedly sought renewal at the Throne of Grace, and moved, by God's grace a little closer to victory over a difficult past.  I can't wait to see what He has instore for me today!           


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