Thursday, July 9, 2009

Praying For Wisdom

I'm writing this "cold", meaning I am using this to sort out my feelings as I write. Writing is how I heal, decompress, prepare, organize my thoughts -- but posting while I do it?! Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time today to use my usual process -- write, read, rewrite, post (upon my discretion). That's not to say my posts are phony or insincere, but let's face it, the world is a scary place; hanging myself out there unchecked, is a little reckless, not to mention potentially libelous. Writing can be raw emotion; writing for the public should serve the public.
To the point, my daughter took steps to reunite with my son. Steven has been "on his own" for almost two years. In that two years he has made no effort to contact Christine or me; he has contacted other family members, even neighbors, but has avoided us altogether. Before he left, he did some very unscrupulous things and told some very damaging lies. I am hurt; Christine is hurt. I believe it was that hurt and an aching to see him, to find answers, to close doors that prompted her to call him.
From a parent's point of view, I believe he needs maturity. I believe he needs me to step back, let him find his way, and grow into a man that is self-sacrificing and brave enough to re-establish relationships he has dissolved, if that is his desire. Christine,obviously, is not his parent.
From the perspective of one who, in the past, was foolish and lacking in self-respect enough to sacrifice and pursue those who cared only for themselves, I believe Christine needs to ask herself the question, "How far am I prepared to take this?" So far, Christine's answer is, "I don't know."
It's human nature to want answers; it's human nature to think that all the answers exist in this world. After all, what scientist settles for "We just don't know"; what detective is satisfied with the word "unsolved". I'm just not sure Christine is going to get the answers she wants -- answers to the question "Why?" I ache when I think of the frustration that could bring.
And what if he does give her an answer? What if that answer is to blame someone else? her? me? the crowd he fell in with? Will she take the blame? Will she blame others as well? Will she realize that he is ultimately responsible for his actions, before she gushes with forgiveness and grants absolution.
Or what if he does own up, assume responsibility? Will she declare a fresh start and "pick up where she left off" -- giving him, once again, the key to her heart and watching pie-eyed as he walks on water for her? Will she count on his promise to "keep in touch" -- the same promise he made to me 20 months ago when we last spoke.
I know the longing Christine feels. For months tears came to my eyes when I smelled his cologne in the stores -- the worst part being that I was the one who couldn't resist picking up the bottle and spraying "just a little". But I also know the consequences of tirelessly chasing after someone who hasn't even found themselves, yet. I know what an idealist I was at her age; I know I always believed you do anything for the ones you love. I've learned, more often than not, you do what's right for the ones you love, and "what's right" does not always correspond with where yor heart leads you.
I know how smart she is. I know she is not me, and will not necessarily make the same mistakes I made. I know she has people who love her and support her. I know that I am not always right. Lastly, I know that God is in control, and it is my job to give him that control and pray for His leading in my parenting.
I'm not forbidding her to see him; in fact, she's seeing him tonight. But, I will be there. If I have to sit and say absolutely nothing, I will be there.
That, I guess is the irony of it. My heart is saying, "This is an open door to making your peace with him. Go through it!" My heart is also saying, "Don't let her go. Shut the door, don't look back, protect her from getting hurt." I'm going to do what I believe God says is right. I'm making this her decision and, depending on what transpires, her heartbreak or her happiness. But, no matter what, I will be there.

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